English version of the tool leaflet to comment on

[Fernando Reis]

Hi,

I recently joined the fellowship and have not contributed before to the work of the Foundation.
I would like to thank you and show my appreciation for your work.

I suppose comments are welcome from everyone, therefore please find my small contribution below.
I split the comments in the the 6 pages of the flyer after folded.

1st page (front cover):
 - I think that "tools" is a term too generic in English to be used with the purpose intended here. Why not use simply "screwdriver"? I think it would make the title more catchy, "What do Free Software and a screwdriver have in common?" I think that would really make people want to open the flyer and read it.

2nd and 3rd page (the comparison):
 - "… to such serious digital restrictions, which is why …" -> "…to serious digital restrictions. That's why…" (You use "such" if the restrictions have been enumerated before or if you're making a comparison, which is neither case here. I think that breaking it in two sentences makes it easier to read.
 - "… absurd consequences it would have if for example screwdrivers …" -> "… absurd consequences if for example screwdrivers …" ("it would have" is not needed.)
 - "… to external unknown persons …" -> "… to unknown persons" (it is as bad when it is sent to internal unknown persons :)
 - "… whitout our knowledge." -> "… without our knowledge" (screw number 8)
 - "… software patent…" -> "… software patents…"

4th page:
 - "Where can Free Software be used?" -> "Where is Free Software used?" (I think that "can" leaves the feeling that we have the dream that free software one day will be used in those specific areas, when it is in fact a reality.)
 - "… often badly restricted." -> "… often strongly restricted." (Badly restricted would mean wrongly done.)
 - "data bases" -> "databases"
 - "… has almost no end. Free Software accounts…" -> "… has almost no end. Non-free proprietary software is still used in some of these devices. However, fortunately Free Software accounts…" (I have mixed feelings concerning this box at the end. I understand that the idea is to say that free software is not an utopia, it is used de facto. However, it leaves the feeling that there's nothing to worry about.)

5th page:
 - "… Free Software is not about price, but liberty." -> "… Free Software is not about price, it is about liberty."

Last page (back cover):
 - "This flyer was printed by..." -> "This flyer is from…" (why printed? I could print some copies myself and distribute it.)
 - "…digital society." -> "…information society." (Some years ago I worked in information society statistics. "Information society" was the term used internationally in Europe.)
 - "… share and improve…" -> take out the bold of the "and" word
 - "… to shape technology as you see fit." -> "… to adapt technology to fit your needs." ("Shape" sounds to me as changes at the design phase, when we mean having the right to change it after done. "As you see fit" sounds a bit like arbitrary changes and referring to needs make the message stronger.)
 - "Donations are critical to our strength and help us to act autonomous." -> "Donations are critical for us to continue our work and help keep the Foundation independent. (I think that "independent" makes a stronger message than "autonomous". I suppose that's what you mean there. Also "keep our work" gives a more sense of urgency than "our strenght".

Best regards.
Fernando



A 31/10/2013, às 16:20, Lucile Falgueyrac <lucile.falg at fsfe.org> escreveu:

> Hi everyone,
> 
> The new English version of the tool leaflet is almost done. It is quite
> different from the original German one.
> 
> --> the language needs to be proofread
> --> the text (actual content) needs to be checked
> 
> Ideas / critics / remarks welcome!
> Since I sent the source file to designers@, I'm just attaching the pdf
> here to have less conflicts. Just tell me if you need them.
> 
> I sent the following points to designers@, but your are also welcome to
> comment on it:
> 
> --> colours are slightly different
> --> I couldn't arrange the text nicely -> word breaks are very bad and
> non consistent, as is justification. The little boxes look terrible if
> justified, the big texts look messy if not justified
> --> the third box of the third inside panel is special, if know how to
> make it look better please tell me
> 
> Any other advice? Feedback?
> 
> 
> Thanks!
> 
> Best,
> Lucile
> -- 
> Lucile Falgueyrac - Free Software Foundation Europe
> FSFE, Schönhauser Allee 6/7, 10119 Berlin
> XMPP : lucile.falg at jabber.fsfe.org
> 
> Support FSFE! https://fsfe.org/
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