[Fsfe-ie] 1page summary to MEPs (new 2 page format)

[Philip Reynolds]

Ciaran O'Riordan <ciaran at member.fsf.org> 21 lines of wisdom included:
> Right,
>   I've been adding to and condensing this for long enough
> so here it is:
> http://www.compsoc.com/~coriordan/docs/dear_mep/
> 
> It was 4 pages at one stage, I have it down to 2 pages,
> I don't think it could be done in 1 page.
> 
> All critisism, suggestions, comments welcome.
> 
> I'm reasonably happy with it, I haven't grammar
> checked it, the list of good amendments needs to be added,
> there's no irish companies mentioned (any suggestions).
> 
> I'm sure there are plenty of improvements that could be made,
> let me know what you think.

I don't like the first paragraph, but apart from that the content is
excellent, although the wording could be tidied up here and there.
Although I realise it's probably just a mish-mash of ideas you've
had. Even still, the content is excellent, brief basic points and
plenty of them.

I especially don't like the sentence "it is widely known that the
directive will not be good for our economy but given the ..." 

First of all the sentence is too long. Secondly, are you sure this
fact is "widely known". I think perhaps, something like the
following might be more appropiate.

"It is the opinion of <group of people> that this directive will
have a negative affect on the economy... <go on to talk about MEPs>"

My 2c,

-- 
Philip Reynolds                      | RFC Networks Ltd.
philip.reynolds at rfc-networks.ie      | +353 (0)1 8832063
http://people.rfc-networks.ie/~phil  | www.rfc-networks.ie